Today is a better day?

ChangeI buried the separation agreement in 4 months. Penny Cheater signed on our 15th wedding anniversary – coz he is dumb – although we had been together for 22 years. It was a generous gift. I could have divorced him if he signed a letter admitting to adultery, which I know he would have, but it would have impacted on my benefits. So I opted for separation.

He left in May. It’s all I did that summer while he partied, went golfing and shagged – FYI – he sucked in bed!!! Not my problem anymore – looking for an image that is really tiny here! Guilt was in the air – move fast everyone – it pays to move fast! It’s in your favour. Get the dollars you really want while mega guilt burns their ass! Work it.

Then I prepared our family home for sale. 5 bedroom house of memories that became hell. Fuck Penny Cheater!! While he golfed, dropped parenting and went on honeymoon, I boxed, cleared out crap, cried, hated, drank!

2nd year – put house on market and looked for a new one for me and the boys. Sold & purchased by August that year. That fall, I crashed with exhaustion never opening up half of the boxes when I got in the new house. I was spent.

2015 brought a “no mans land” kind of peace. A void of “what do I care about anymore?” 3rd year started with not much until I was invited to Cuba in March and my mother said I had to go and crack my rut.  Was I in a rut? I did not even notice.

I went, despite my protests and never wanting to ever go to Cuba. And from that trip, I woke up.

Today is a better day. To be continued………

Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play.

Play rewindPenny Cheater robbed me of two years of my life. Yeah, yeah, you can say or the counselors would preach that was “my choice“, or “I was responsible for my actions“. They may be right. But fuck that crap. I sat in a chair. It was all I could do. I watched TV, well I think it was on. I texted Penny Cheater crap, bollocks, fucked up shit, anything I could think of to stay connected to him, our past, my past, a 22 year past, anything past. I texted his number to make him listen. Hear my cries for help. He was the only one I turned to for help for 22 years. A habit very hard to break. And I needed him then. But the only thing he could hear was his new Cunt. I received the rare useless replies.

Ya gotta go through what you have to go through. Stop fighting it and let it drip. An intravenous drip of self-inflicted venom. And once the bag has drained, you actually actively look for the another similar bag of fucked up Penny Cheaters memory lane bullshit again and stuff it back down your throat coz you want it and have no idea how to stop it .  It becomes enjoyably masochistic because it is ALL you can think about. Its consuming despite whats on the telly. You repeat the performance of a fucked up selfish asshole over and over again. Pissed me off but I could not stop it. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Two years of the same fucked up show on repeat. Its ok. Its normal. I know that now. Took me two years to get bored with the repeats, find the remote control and change my channel to a new episode called “its my life“.

 

 

 

The Revenge Party – You are invited!

There were days of anger and hatred I am not proud of. Hatred chew’s your soul, your essence, it has a way of keeping you in the bottle. It was a new emotion for me. An emotion I never had to control before. It was loaded with a physicality and mental torment on repeat. With a few select friends, we had a “Revenge Party“. In my self-made dungeon, this was nothing but a healthy way to release the new thoughts I was unaccustomed too.

Choose very close friends. Not the ones who say “I’m sorry” – I ended up avoiding these people, recommended – but the ones that say “Get off yer frigging arse!”. Bring them over for the evening. Crack open a glass or two. And brainstorm. Let it rip! We talked about all the things I wanted to do to Penny Cheater and his Cunt. Here are some of the highlights:

  • Paint their windows on the ground floor black so they could not see the lightG2K_-_Godzilla_vs._the_Military
  • After a Crime Stoppers report, call in and say “I know who did it
  • Take a picture of your Penny Cheater, a baseball bat and a pillow. Place the picture on the pillow and bash the fucking shit out of it until you sweat and the feathers fly –  might as well have a work out while you are there as you will need that new body of yours to get through the months of recovery. Additionally, the physical release feels good and you may get your first nights sleep. These counselors are definitely necessary, but there is a place for just letting it rip against all the rules, but within the confines of restraint. My screaming need to destroy stuff needed an outlet. I was Godzilla looking for plastic military vehicles to crush with my bare feet! Albeit, Penny Cheaters head would have been preferable.
  • Sign up the Cunt for a free ad and write “Are you married? Do you have children? I am skilled at assisting you to cheat on your loved ones and break up families without giving a fucking shit. For a fucked up good time guaranteed, text 555.555.5555″

I felt better. Counselors are necessary, but the anti-counselor method in a safe controlled environment is for some, necessary – it was for me. This was not the only get together I had. When it builds up again – repeat all of the above.

What do you want to do to your Penny Cheater that is fucked up, goes against all the “right things” they tell you to do, but you can’t stop thinking about doing it. Storm it out right here. I am listening.

Time is the healer….

Its been almost a year since my last post. Penny Cheater kept me busy. Unwanted busy. Many said ‘this will make you stronger“. Who the fuck needs to be stronger? We already were. As Mom’s and Dad’s we kick ass with no manual. We do not need a Penny Cheaterthehealer-300x277 to inspire our therapists to tell us otherwise.

But after two years, I am in a better place. A bit rough still but better. They said it would be two years. I originally said “fuck that, I will bury the damage in one”. But they were right. It’s two years, despite your skills, resourcefulness, personal prowess to solve problems; it IS two years to get over the impact of a Penny Cheater.

I woke up in March this year and thought “holy shit, my son was 15 and now he is 17” – what the fucking hell happened to 16!!! I have no idea. Breaks my  heart. I did what Penny Cheater dictated.  My only small vindictive consolation is Penny Cheater didn’t see his son at 16 either coz he fucking left his children/family thinking the Cunt would be a better place. His priorities continue to waver.

Today, my youngest will not graduate next June. My older son is a dope head and I have initiated “tough love”. I am in training as a single parent. I settled the bullshit Penny Cheater imposed coz his dick wandered. I buried separation agreement in 4 months after I kicked him out. But what happened to our sons? What was the ricochet of Penny Cheaters negligence, our lack of communication, our lack of love, our lack of “us” our lack of the definition of a “marriage”? Did we ever really know?

Broken Christmas’s – Part 3 – Tradition

Tradition

Christmas in our new home.

It is the season of giving. I therefore take a turn in events and have recognized that a new tradition needs to be established with Penny Cheater living with the Cunt in her house with her traditions. I acknowledge that Penny Cheater was most gracious in our first Christmas apart and let me have the children for most of the season. But this year, I feel that generosity needs to be returned and a new pattern needs to commence.

I suggested Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Penny Cheater said “The children can come over whenever they want“. What the fuck does that mean? “Let’s not plan anything coz it will cramp my selfish style with the Cunt”? or “Woeisme”? or “I’m a dumb fucking twat who has no idea of parenting and gently moving the boys on to a new tradition that will benefit all in the long run”? WHICH ONE DOES HE MEAN? Sigh.

Well, despite my generosity of giving over all three days, tradition has a power of its own. A place in our hearts. A place not to be lost. A place you cannot deny but cherish and preserve.  Our children played along but on December 23rd they expressed that they do not wish to go to their Dad’s on Christmas Day. Christmas Day is here. With Mom. With the decorations, the traditional food, patterns they are accustomed to since they were born with or without their father. They have a right to have a say.

So, that is where they will be. With me. I can only say, that in my heart, it is my tradition too. Welcome Christmas. Past. Present and future.

Tradition is stronger than any Penny Cheater. There are some things that he cannot take away. Embrace it.

 

Broken Christmas’s – Part 2 – Tradition

Broken HomeWe moved into a new house in August. Penny Cheater wanted his money to buy a 150 acre goat farm in the country with the Cunt – more about that later. Our new house is much smaller than our 5 bedroom family home. But it is comfortable. Cozy. Everyone has their own bathroom – clincher. There is a sense of freedom here. I can play music very loud. At first I found myself looking over my shoulder expecting someone to tell me to turn that bloody sound off. But there was silence. Welcomed silence.

This house is not flavoured with Penny Cheater. It’s Penny Cheater free. Part of me is SO relieved. Part of me wants to show him what I bought. It was so stressful packing up the old place and buying this new place that in the midst of negotiations I asked “And where does Penny Cheater sign”. I was so used to the tradition of doing things together that I forgot in the stress of it all that he was no longer part of the equation!